Aries: I have to go before I put your head through a wall.
Taurus: If you want to receive E-mails about my upcoming shows... please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Gemini: You love divorce so much that you′re probably gonna marry it... and then it won′t work out so you′re gonna have to divorce it. I′m so drunk.
Cancer: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that!
Leo: You should see me when... oh actually, no, I look pretty good.
Virgo: One really does have a stick up one′s ass. Doesn′t one?
Libra: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Scorpio: Come on, Will. Take off your shirt and tell us.
Sagittarius: DAMN YOU REF, YOU BURN IN HELL!
Capricorn: I′m very wise, I know.
Aquarius: If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Pisces: Your love is like a giant pigeon, crapping on my heart.